transients welcome

growing up.

i’ve been feverishly looking at the clock for the past two hours after i finished my alotted 57 minutes worth of watching megavideo…i’ve certainly had my share of catching up on this last season of mad men. one or two more episodes and i’ll be up to date with the rest of the world. (by the way, they really stepped it up in season 4. i actually really have loved this season. probably because there is less of BETTY DRAPER).

this is my last day at northstar, the job that i have felt completely indifferent about. some days i think its just fine, some days i’m bored to tears. i don’t love it, i don’t hate it. there have been days where i was continually frusterated because i didn’t know anything about ROTH IRAs or insurance policies…and i really still don’t, but i have certainly come a long way. i’ve just been itching to get out to make more money, have a full time job, benefits, and all that comes with it. and i finally got that by a complete stroke of luck, and i start on monday. horray.

life right now is actually really fucking great. i am in a show with people i really enjoy, playing a character i really enjoy, and working with the writer of the show is really different and exciting, and he happens to be a hilarious creative dude that is open to anything, so it’s made the process really awesome. dustin and i got to perform together for steppenwolf’s explore series, and though what we did was only five minutes long it was incredibly rewarding to work with someone who i love, and it was the first time we had gotten to mesh our performance worlds into something that turned out really, really, awesome. and, of course, none of our friends came. it was a free event that we hounded on for weeks, but at the end of the day, it feels mostly impossible to get anyone to come out and support us. on one hand its the cost factor, but this event was one hundred percent free. but, what can you do. luckily, we got paid from steppenwolf and we treated ourselves to a date night for the rest of the night, and it was incredible.

my show opens in december and, again, i have to go into it not expecting anyone to come. its a continually heartbreaking and frusterating thing, but for once i’d just like to be surprised. d and i have had a lot of conversations about this, and especially how much things differ between theatre and music. its just hard seeing so many people so faithfully go out to culpa shows night after night to see the same songs over and over (and i am one of them, and no, i don’t get tired of it and am never going to say that no one SHOULD be going or that they shouldn’t be supported night after night because they absolutely SHOULD) but yet no one wants to come out and see me and the varying things that i do. but, it shouldn’t be a comparison, i know. so, i’m trying my very hardest to put that past me. make the focus not about me. but, its also hard when you’re in a show thats for a small company and we are the only press we have, so i have to go around begging people to come out and see it just to make it WORTH it.

isn’t that sad? the amount of worth a show has equals the amount of people that came to see it. not, how i feel at the end of it. how tonight’s show has affected me. it’s just “aw, damn…20 people came out, thats it. wah. fail.” and it sucks. it sucks that thats the standard, but it is. and until i work for a company where people will just show up no matter what, thats what its going to be like.

so now i’m hurriedly auditioning for anything that comes along and so far, no responses. and it makes me nervous because i get very down when i don’t have something going on. from high school and beyond i’ve had a million things on my plate and i LIKE it like that. i love sitting at home with my boyfriend and cat and having chill nights, but night after night of that gets me down. if i don’t get to do something creative i’m upset. (see: summer 2010) i do have a couple of guarentees on the horizon, but i find i get in my head during times like this and often wonder “what will they see in me thats different than the other 200 people vying for this role?” i’m continually surprised when i’m chosen.

so, i’ve decided to buckle down and get serious about auditioning. i feel like i’ve been very lazy and over confident with my over-used monologues that have worked for me in the past, but don’t seem to be any more. i’ve reached out to friends asking for new materials and i hope really awesome things come from it.

i also feel a big “growing up” phase happening in my life. i’m in a serious commited relationship, i’m starting a full time “big girl” job next week, and i’ll finally be able to pay bills comfortably and really start to mold my life in ways that i’ve wanted to for a while. i want to appear older. i want to feel older. i want to feel like the person i think i’ve fallen into. its hard because i’m trying to figure out who that person is versus who i’d like to mock (if that makes sense), and its exciting…but nervewracking.

anyway. its friday and i’m fighting a cold so i think i’ll go home early. after all, its the last time i’ll be able to, right?

family.

i know i made a family post in this same blog before i had to delete everything and get this one going again, so i’ll try not to make this verbatim to the last one. family isn’t something i typically think about or deal with on an every day basis seen as my closest family member is six hours away from me. we see dustin’s family pretty regularly (culpa has practices at their house still, it being in the middle of all of the band member’s homes, so he sees them almost weekly) and while i haven’t completely adopted a ‘second-family’ feeling toward them just yet, its definitely heading that way. they’re people i have love for, that i look forward to seeing, that i know have love for me, but its definitely a process.

its nineteen days until the two year anniversary of my dad’s passing to lung cancer. i recently made a photobooth album on facebook, mostly just for photobooth pics that d and i take on a regular basis. but, i have been carrying one frame from a photobooth session that my dad and i took when i was two or three in my wallet for a few years now, so i scanned it up and put it on there as well.

the response was pretty overwhelming, especially from family members on his side that i don’t have much connection with anymore. i have a lot of really bitter feelings toward them, as it became oh, the one person that is most important to you in your life is dying- we’ll be around now and pretend everything has always been like this! nope. oh, and he passed away? k, we’ll go back to regular life now, baiii….

sigh.

i struggle with the one thing i should look most forward to in my life- getting married. i’m finally with someone that its a huge possibility with (several years from now) but i just envision a ceremony filled with curriers and empty of lamoras. which, you know. is fine. but, does it become a pity invitation? a default invitation? a fill the seats invitation? i don’t know. plus the whole father-daughter thing couldn’t be a bigger highlight then on a wedding day.

i hate that i don’t have a close family. i hate that my kids won’t get to experience the extended family like they should. i’m determined to never be estranged from my brother or my mom, as i watched both of my parents be at odds with their siblings and/or parents my entire life. i want family reunions. i want family holidays. i want bbqs and christmas cards and all that american idealized nonsense that makes up our lives. i’ve never had it, but have watched boyfriend’s families have it and actually be HAPPY in doing it. i want that all to change, now.

loss is something i’ll never really understand. and something that i think about every single day. november-december are always the worst, for obvious reasons. two years. two years…i can’t believe it. but, i’ve gotten stronger, i know that. and this thanksgiving i will be surrounded by friends. and thats the biggest step forward i could ask for.

tattoos.

tattoos are something that are very important to me, and something that i will have literally for the rest of my life. i will preface this entire post by saying YES i am a tattoo snob. YES i judge people by their choice of tattoos. YES i do think my quality of work is good. but also…YES i have tattoos on my body that i wish weren’t there.

my immediate family is pretty heavily tattooed. i think my mom is on number five or six now, most of them being small on her ankles. my brother has full leg sleeves and is working his way toward arm sleeves as well. my dad was covered. i am currently on eleven tattoos, most of them hidden in my everyday clothing (ONLY because i am pursuing acting. if i was not, or when i choose to no longer do so, bring it on).

i follow a couple of tattoo blogs on here and fairly consistantly talk about tattoos with friends, new people i meet, strangers, professionals, etc. people are generally surprised at the number of tattoos i have and the talks of “i’ve always thought about getting one…” or, “hey! look at my tattoo!” always seem to come up. i 100% always encourage others to get work done. i don’t care if you regret it or not, just do it. it’s a little bit of pain for a life long worth of art, sharing, and stories.

d and i talk about tattoos weekly. he has two, one added since we started dating. his first, a very simple set of roman numerals trailing down his arm. he often mentioned ‘liking more’ but not immediately having the want for more. i had confidence that this would change. (mind you i have dated heavily tattooed people and people with no tattoos with no intention of, and i didn’t mind either.) when i got my anchors done and he watched, he of course got the fever. i got him his second tattoo for his birthday, which turned out to be one of the coolest tattoos i’ve seen. now he wants more…and i’m really excited. it’s an exciting thing to talk about and to share with someone.

i prefer traditional style tattooing, and have found myself a personable, reliable tattoo artist in the city who happens to be incredible at traditional work. that does not mean that i don’t like, agree with, or support other tattoo styles, its just my personal opinion.

i have a hard time with people who have to have the deepest most complicated meaning to a a tattoo. out of my eleven, four have deep, meaningful roots. my grandmothers initials, my father’s signature, my matching ship helm tattoo with my brother, and my french “wonderful life” tattoo. the rest are things i like visually, but they don’t have sob stories behind them.

i have a problem with people who get one random object and then turn it into this life long journey of a story. “i got this electric outlet to signify the POWER i have over my life. there was only one electric outlet at the cabin in the woods that my family went to every year and it symbolizes our CONNECTION with each other. it also signifies how we all have the power to PULL THE PLUG.” no, you idiot, you just got an electric outlet tattooed on you. that should be FUNNY. (ps that wasn’t real. it’s called improv.)

summertime causes the most stranger-tattoo interaction with me. my feet, anchors, and arm draw people’s interest and i get questioned on them quite often (even though i’ve never, ever had the courage to talk to someone else about their tattoos out of no where). someone at a bus stop earlier this summer asked if i “just really liked fishing” because of the anchors. i still get anxiety over explaining my dad’s tattoo. i’ve had people ask if he knows i did that for him. i get caught up in not knowing how to tell people “well, no, not directly…but i’m sure he somehow KNOWS”. how can people who get these deep meaningful dark heart wrenching tattoos and just share on the street with strangers? most of the time i just shrug and say, “i thought it would look nice. i was drawn to it.” is that what they do, too?

tattoos are such a gift to the world…and i don’t understand why they still have such a negative connotation. i am lucky to have friends with some of the most beautiful work i have ever seen. i’ll continue to get them and will continue to encourage others to do the same.

and during this whole time i’ll continue to try to figure out why people get what they get, and in the end, hopefully will be satisfied with what i will eventually die with and how long it followed me on my journey there.

changes.

well, we did it. we successfully moved about two weeks ago into our new home. it took two exhausting trips, but between four people moving down two flights of stairs and then up three more, i’d say we did a good job. immediately following d got super sick and i worked four doubles in a row. neededless to say our house looked like a hoarders house and we lived on take out.

fast forward to now and we have a few boxes idling about and many an artwork leaning, waiting for paint ideas. i really am in love with our new home. my commute to work is so much more peaceful, though a bit longer. (i’ve been absolutely inhaling everything is illuminated on my bus ride to and from work…oh jsf.) zombie took to the apartment right away and is loving the deep windowsills.

other than settling in to our new place, we hadn’t had much time for anything else, or the chance to actually SEE anyone else. this past weekend changed it all. its as if someone said “hey dustin and whitney- cram as much into one weekend as possible- but don’t make it stressful at all. then you’ll win.” and, we did.

friday night we headed up to roger’s park to see zach petrini and the broken bones play with the lonliest monk and 2 other bands at the brand new venue- the mayne stage. now, anyone in chicago knows…there’s not much that brings you up to rogers park (save a couple of friends and a really great vegetarian friendly restaurant). but, i think that will definitely change with the addition of the mayne stage. first perk: right off the morse red line. like, not even a half a block. second: amazing pizza-by-the-slice place directly next door. everything in there is mega cheap. third: it. is. gorgeous. a three-level venue with brand new everything and a huge, open floor with a ton of tables as well as a standing room space. d and i cozied up in a side booth and just loved it. it was super chill. and the sound, lights..everything. really fantastic. because the monk was playing a bunch of friends from my ‘baal’ days came out and there was quite the reunion/explosion of happiness on my insides. i’m priveledged to have already met such a group of people that continues to be excited to be around each other.

saturday. oh, my. we pulled ourselves out of bed, consumed some homemade breakfast sandwiches, then went on our way. i had an open call audition (which i HATE, but this one was surprisingly okay.) i’ve gotten to the point that i can’t hope i’m in a show. i can’t think that i kicked ass. i just need to go in, do my best, then leave. that’s all. so, i did that. on the way out, the video producer who was working with the company handed me a card. i took that as a good sign.

from there we went to the davis (a small, old theatre…not charmingly old like the music box, but more like…old.) to see the social network…which i was always against seeing until everyone started blowing up about it (because i’m really good at bandwagoning). just from the first scene alone the movie screamed ‘i’m written by aaron sorkin!!!!’ i was totally hooked. the quick, quirky dialogue was held up the whole movie, and man. i walked away a happy girl.

homeward bound, attempted naps. phone call from previous theatre company. seems they liked me enough to want to put me on stage. score another one for the happy girl. up, pizza for dinner, getting ready, then out. first stop at dan’s for a couple of brews on the back steps then on to the bottom lounge for threadless’ 10th anniversary party. open bar. open bar. did i mention, open bar? shot. drink. bob nanna. then DAN DEACON. more drinks. too many lights. let’s go home.

sunday we reluctantly rose, after inviting friends over for the bears game, forgetting about said open bar the night before. quick run to cvs for -sigh- more beer, but more importantly, mountain dew and cinnamon rolls, then home to open our home and arms to one great friend, phil vickers. bears remembered how to play football and we spent the next few hours in quite a state…with a quick stop by jimmy and joy, mainly to bring us a giant tub of guac which we naturally destroyed. katamari damacy and goodbye to phil.

another attempted nap. then out into the perfect perfect perfect weather. short stop for wine and sushi. cue whitney cursing herself for continuing to eat after a day full of gluttony. home for knitting, flight of the conchords, and d, snoring on the couch.

its rare that we get to see that much of chicago over the span of one weekend. it was unreal and so so so incredible. d is gone most of this week and all of this upcoming weekend for practice & recording with culpa, so getting so spoiled with his company these past few days will definitely pay off when i’m missing him soon.

saint louis next weekend. can’t wait.

haunted house.

we only have two more nights in our beloved apartment of the haunted house. we then move several miles across chicago to our new home nestled in ukranian village three flights up. new chapter, new beginnings. its all very exciting, being the first place dustin and i are officially moving into together. he’s been living with me for the past few months and i very much feel like the place is ‘ours’, but this place we found together, are moving together, and will be settling in together.

a lot has happened at the haunted house. (why is it called the haunted house? because its a 120 year old three level house that looks like it could fall down at any moment. the apartments inside are beautiful but my landlord has not painted or refreshed the outside in any way since he has owned it in the 70’s.)

(i live on the 2nd floor. huge bay windows…love.)

the haunted house was the first apartment i moved in by myself. i had just recently ended a relationship and found this apartment by chance and quickly moved in. i had only my bed, a chair, and a few miscellanious items to fill out the rather large apartment. the few nights dustin would come over when we started dating we had to sit on my bed and talk since there was no other furniture.

slowly and surely i gathered more items to fill out my home. got a bookshelf and coffee table. bought a marvelous red couch off of someone on craigslist. hung curtains, put some things in the fridge, and made it feel as much as home as possible. four months into both our relationship and me living in the HH dustin made the decision to move in, and with him brought the rest of the items to flesh out our apartment (record player. tv. chair. dining room table.)

shortly after we took a trip over to PAWS and picked out our little love of a kitty, zombie. he hid in our room for a few days until coming out and letting us know the real him. now he’s everywhere and into everything and talks talks talks.

i learned a lot from the hh. i learned how to live on my own. i learned things not to do while living on my own (see: drinking in excess). i learned to care for a pet. i learned how to (properly) live with someone else. i learned to share all of my life with someone. i learned how to effectively pay bills (mostly). i learned how clean i prefer to be. and how bad i feel when things aren’t up to par. i learned how much i love to be proud of the place i’m living. i learned i’m a pretty decent decorator. i learned to not judge a book by its cover (the outside being hideous, the inside being amazing). i survived a summer without a/c. i learned to never do that ever again. i learned about…neighbors. i learned how to catch fire to fake bacon. i learned how to put out said fires. i said ‘yes’ to you when you asked me out in the kitchen. i learned that i love to slow dance in the dining room to records. i fell in love. i connected with ‘for emma, forever ago’. i stopped eating meat.

needless to say, i’ll be sad to leave our loving home. but, i’m ready to say goodbye to wrigleyville and hello to ukranian village and all that it offers. it’s going to be a complete life change, but it’ll be good. i know it will.

autumn.

happy fall, everyone! i have a mostly finished pumpkin spice latte next to me and in TRUE chicago fashion the weather is supposed to be 90* tomorrow. but who freaking cares. its officially fall today, and i only expect things to get better from here.

last week was a full week, and a week that i’d like to repeat in varying ways. culpa played at reggie’s, a venue i’d yet to attend in the city. i cautiously took the red line out to chinatown and walked the two blocks over. reggie’s is a really rad place and i wish it were more accessable/less in the middle of nowhere. its part bar, part venue, and part record store. how could you ask for more? also: the sound was unreal. culpa sounded so good, even though the volume on some things (see: dustin’s keyboard and joelly’s tom’s) were pushed too hard. but, for all the times i’ve seen culpa, i can appreciate when i can actually hear dustin play or sing. d’s dad came along as well, which is always a hoot. he watched the show with me and lauren and ate dinner with us later. the other three bands on the bill were instrumental. we skipped the first two but came back to see caspian, a band they did a few shows with several months ago. i was tired, cranky, not a very good partner to be around, but begrudgingly trudged back into the space to see them. my spirits were quickly lifted as the first song of caspian’s set reached climax and they all but exploded. it was the greatest single instrumental performance i had seen, i was really, terribly blown away.

the next night we headed to lincoln hall, an amazing new venue very close to us. d bought us tickets to see his beloved david bazan (the man behind pedro the lion & headphones). we elbowed our way up to the very front and (mostly) enjoyed an hour+ long set from bazan. what i really love about him is how much he just feels like somebody’s dad who plays really fucking good music. like, i could run into him at the store buying dishsoap and bananas and then see him step on stage and proclaim how he used to ‘believe’ and no longer does. the man is really awesome. the crowd around us, not so much. lincoln hall shouldn’t serve such big beers to certain people.

somewhere in this mix we found a new apartment in ukranian village. we had been casually looking, our lease not being up until december 1. but, wanting to avoid moving in the winter, we looked now, especially with d’s work moving. after seeing some just ‘meh’ places, we finally walked into our new home on augusta & rockwell. the walls are already painted bright blues and yellows, a nice deck outside, 2 bedrooms, central heat and AIR. oh, my. we fell in love. and 2 days later subletted our apartment. so, now our apartment is slowly being deconstructed and packed away. we move in one week. ack.

saturday night was round 2 of my acting competition. d and his dad came out to support me, which was a major relief. this week two actors got paired with one writer to perform a 5 minute scene. i got very lucky and got a fantastic writer and acting partner, and we managed to cram 5 minutes of very wordy and somewhat complicated material into our brains and performed it basically flawlessly and off script. we were very pleased and also voted to next week. i can’t describe how good it feels to perform. now, if i could only land myself in a show…

we followed up the night by hopping around the city a bit and ending at a new sushi joint close to us. it was byob so i padded down the street and grabbed a bottle of wine for the three of us. it was a nice dinner. i’m glad i have gotten to know dustin’s family and have gotten to see them as often as i have. i just wish it was equal with my side. (have i mentioned how homesick i am?)

sunday night (after a day of lazing around and sleeping in, deep under covers with a purring kitty) we headed back to lincoln hall for margot and the nuclear so & so’s. i hadn’t seen them since last summer at wicker park fest when things were so! different. (d was also at that show…both of us, passing each other in the crowd, never knowing!) the place was packed. i was much more familiar with their material this time. it was great.

bike rides home. back to work. put in my two weeks at landmark last night. i can’t serve anymore. i can’t work nights anymore. i need to focus on theatre and advancing my life, really. growing up, i guess.

september.

september is shaping up to be a positive month and i certainly hope this leads to the landing of (a) role(s) in (a) show(s) as well as a new day job, hopefully full time hours, benefits always a plus, so i can rid myself of thirteen hour days and really come home and focus on what i’m here for. theatre. theatre. theatre. just keep thinking about it.

the weekend was a welcomed relief. friday night i worked a rather boring yet surprisingly quickly passing evening at landmark. surprising myself with not going home and hibernating as usual (d was away at culpa practice for the night) i invited over lauren, stephanie, and nabeel for katamari, beer, and #moon dates. our upstairs neighbor came down for a minute, completely on another planet than we were. we stifled giggles until he left then laughed, relief enveloping us all. d came home shortly later, all smiles. (i love. love. love. watching him walk through the front door.)

saturday we ate a hurried brunch then ran off in different directions. he, on his way to middlefest in dekalb, il as i hung about on the lazy saturday until heading to my first theatre venture in too long. i am taking part in a three weekend acting/writing competition. it began with 30 actors and 15 writers. the first week writers were paired with actors and instructed to write and then perform a 2 minute monologue. luckily i got paired with a hilarious lady with mutual friends from afar and i managed to cram two minutes of good material in my brain and perform it, nothing in hand, and laughter reactions. we both passed on to the next round (audience, voting us ahead) and i recieved many accolades from strangers. it felt so good for people to encourage me again. for me to be out on the stage again, albiet a brief encounter. i belong there…but sometimes that easy to forget.

that was followed by celebratory drinks with strangers who were now friends, then home, that night to hibernate to mad men and zombie. long evenings alone are so nice sometimes.

sunday morning we woke together and grasped the bedsheets as long as we could before being forced into the day. i had an interview up north…way up north and we drove up there to attend that. no words of enthusiasm will follow here.

off to renegade where i’d spend a couple of hours reflecting on how i should do more. read more. write more. knit more. and how i wish i could support myself on all of those. maybe one day.

we saw so many friends there…and i was much more amazed than d was at the chance that we’d just run in to people we knew…out of the crowd of thousands. we briefly padded around the ukranian village area browsing for apartments before heading home, heads on shoulders, on the eL.

we played chefs and created a lovely dinner for our night in. bodies turned heavy as we fell asleep on each other watching the wonders of planet earth. its a beautiful morning and i feel confident. auditions tonight. i hope things really are turning around.

neglecting.

i’ve been neglecting this, i know. but really in the end i’ve had too much to update and not enough strength or will or interest to type it up. here’s what has happened, since:

• i decided not to go to grad school. too terribly poor.
• in order to help finances i’ve been working 2-3 jobs a week. 2 almost every day.
• because of this i go from highs to lows very frequently.
• d and i are on the apartment search. its tiring just to think of moving.
• went to STL with culpa a few weeks ago to see them play. saw tyson, saw tom. then saw the worst accident on the highway i’ve ever seen. one car in front of us.
• went to milwaukee last weekend to visit dre & joelly. i secretly want their life.
• getting back into the auditioning game. starting chekhov classes at TUTA that i can’t really afford in a few weeks. oh well.
• on the job hunt. feel like i always am.
• always feeling like if i could redo school i’d do it all different.
• daydream constantly about living in a cheaper city. trying to find my happiness here, again.
• culpa is in the up and up. they’re home for the rest of the year (mostly). big news, big plans, big things. i’m so happy for them…i just wish i had things on my end that were on the up and up.
• homesick. for a home i don’t even have anymore. missouri sick? maybe.
• watching a lot of planet earth and food shows these days. thats a highlight!

i think that’ll do it. i hope fall inspires me to write more. and knit more. if i had the money i’d go out and buy a bunch of yarn. i really want to knit myself and d hats, even though i’ve never knit a hat before.

i’ll be better on here. my head is too clouded lately. that’s all.

escape.

this weekend i got the chance to escape the bright lights, big city, and drive four hours south into the fullest amount of nature i could possibly want to get out of illinois. one of my very best college friends, andrew, has spent a majority of his summer in sullivan, il (which i found out, most people in illinois have never heard of sullivan. ever.) in a little equity theatre called little theatre on the square, dropped in the middle of cornfields and town folk. he was doing a production of ‘hair’ and i desperately wanted to see him and get away, so i did just that. luckily d let me borrow his car and i took off, driving more in 2 days than i have in over a year, to see him.

the night was in so many words: refreshing, amazing, beautiful, fun, heart-warming… it was great. seeing andrew again and seeing how happy he was among his company and in the show was amazing. plus ‘hair’ is so incredibly positive and is something that easily was absorbed by the members of the cast. i can’t imagine another show bringing people closer. it was really nice to watch.

we spent the night bouncing in a few places around the little town, spending most of it at the theatre’s long time prop master’s house. he’s a lovely older man (whose name escapes me now, of course) who reminded me so, so much of my dad. chain smoking cigarettes with his two beloved french bulldogs at his feet, i sat and talked with him for quite a while. andrew egged him on to list his impressive resume which he all but shooed away, and just shrugged, happy to be doing what he does now. when i later stepped inside to use his bathroom, his house was mainly what you would expect an older single man who loves his dogs to look. somewhat cluttered but quite personable…a cigarette smell lingering as you pass through. instead of magazines or newspapers in the bathroom sat a worn copy of ‘breakfast at tiffanys’. i wish i could have been there all summer.

everyone i met greeted me with open arms, but thats to be expected in the theatre community. people are open, people touch you shortly after introductions, and hug you goodbye, when you’ve only met moments before. you don’t feel stupid if you’re a little drunk and laugh, loudly, and talk with them like you’ve known them for years. its comforting. it’s something i haven’t found in most in the city.

but the best part, of course, was andrew. he hustled me from person to person, introducing me as one of his ‘very best friends’ and a ‘beautiful actress’. we told stories of being in college together. later we watched old videos and shook our heads at those four years (where did they go?). it was so easy to fall back into that friendship. i’m lucky.

the next day we hugged goodbye and i hit the road again. four more hours north i drove to meet d at chubby rain for the circa performance. i’m still so surprised at how anxious and excited i get to see him after being apart for such a short time. as i pulled up i got nervous, but the good nervous, knowing that we’d spend the night together, touching, hugging, and whispering, hurrying to catch up on what we’d missed.

all of culpa plus dre & lauren were there, so it was a nice group. seeing d’s family is becoming a more and more familiar thing, and that’s a great feeling. his mom hugged me close before we left, thanking me for making him so happy. i, in turn, thanked her for making him. i’m happy where we are.

we drove home, greeted our little zombie cat, then collapsed into bed, thankful to be together again. it was a great escape. i feel refreshed.

encounters.

last week seems to be a blur already. august is going to rush by and just when i lift my head to check the date i’ll be rushing to grab my things because i wouldn’t want to be late for class which is an idea i abandoned a year ago. imagining our kitchen table littered with papers and coffee, lots of it…it’s a strange idea of this new life i’m starting. i’ll also be searching for apartments and (hopefully) moving two weeks before finals. that…was…well…planned.

this morning i slept longer than i should and by the time i made it to the el, i stumbled in to the first car, the one almost always guarenteed to have an empty seat in which to rest and read as much as i possibly can in my 20 minute commute. i found an empty seat next to a dozing, older man, and as i was situating myself, pulling my book out of my bag, glancing at others around me, i happened to look down at his left arm, resting on his leg, and my stomach dropped.

upon his wrist laid a watch identical to that of my father’s. a vintage-feeling gold watch with mickey mouse in the center, his arms possessing the duty of the hands of the clock. i paused and began glancing back and forth between that and the seat in front of me. i thought of the watch identical to that, no longer telling time (mickey’s arms at rest much like its previous owner) hidden away in my jewelry box at home. worried about crying or leaning over to this snoozing man and saying something ridiculous and emotional or uncomfortable i forced my eyes back into my book and attempted to read for the rest of the ride.

the man will never know what he did to my day. how he brought me back to a hurried rush of memories and snapshots in my brain, and how badly i wanted to gently shake him awake and thank him for this gift, as happy and as sad as its made me.

i feel very stuck today. very stuck in the middle of this country with no mountains or oceans to escape to. i’m tired of feeling like that here. the enchantment of chicago has worn off, and that makes me very sad. i hope fall will wrap its arms around me and renew my faith in this city.